Ranma 1/2: Scream 1/2
by JohnnyReb
Summary: Nothing is sacred! WAHAHHA!!! A parody of Scream involving everyone's favorate bumbling cast! My first humor work!


Scream 1/2

a Ranma 1/2 parody

By: JohnnyReb 

This goes out to my sweetie, Janine!

I don't own any of these characters! All rights go to Rumiko Takahashi, Viz Video, Shoten Sunday, and all other companies who participated in the production of this series.

It's a crowded Saturday night at the movie theater. We see school nerd Goshinkugi working at the front lobby popcorn machine. He works quickly, serving the hungry customers. All of them are eager to get to their seats to watch the newest showing of: Dragonball Z alpha kw movie 304561.2: 'Goku Gets A Haircut'. Things quickly slow down, giving Goshinkugi a chance to lean against the counter and rest his back. A moment later, the phone beside him rings. He sigh's in exasperation. He had better things to do with his Saturday night than be working! He hadn't tried any Voodoo magic in a while and his Akane photo albumn needed to be updated. The phone rings again and he picks it up.

Goshinkugi: Hello, you have reached King Theaters Co. How may I help you?

A mysterious yet typical evil voice all villians are stereotyped with can be heard on the other end.

Evil voice: Huuhuhuhuhhu...DOH! I mean, wahahahahhah! Hello, Goshinkugi.

Goshinkugi{startled}: Who is this?!?

Evil voice: That's none of your business, Goshinkugi!!!

Goshinkugi holds the phone away for a second, checking to make sure his scared, shaking form didn't knock out his pocket protector.

Goshinkugi: Ok, sorry.

Evil voice: Do you like scary anime movies?

Goshinkugi blushes, not wanting to mention that watching scary anime films always cause him to wet the bed at night. He decides to lie.

Goshinkugi: Of course! Who doesn't?

Evil voice: What's your favorite scary Anime movie?

Goshinkugi thinks fast, recalling the last film he saw.

Goshinkugi: I liked 'Sailor Moon Movie Super S.'

He hears the person on the other end face-fault.

Evil voice: I said scary movie! What kind of stupid, sex deprived, viagra needing loser wets his pants over a Shojo anime!?!? Never mind that! What do you say we play a little game Goshinkugi? I'll ask you a question and if you answer wrong, I'll blow up the popcorn machine!

Goshinkugi looks over at the quiet machine with cold terror.

Goshinkugi: OH GOD'S NO!!! We just finished paying it off!!! Take me, please, but spare the popcorn machine!!!

Evil voice: Cool your ass, Goshinkugi. If you answer correctly, you'll get all the popcorn you can eat.

Goshinkugi: Really?!? I've always had to pay for it before! Your really not kidding?!?! My dream is coming true! I'll do it!

Evil voice {snickering evilly}: All right Goshinkugi, here's the question: In 'The Laughing Target' who was the main villain? Was it A. Ranma, B Azusa, C. Misato, D. Lum?

Goshinkugi thinks intently for several moments, prompting a breath of frustration from his tormenter. 

Evil voice: Would you like to use a life line?

Goshinkugi: Nah, I'll get this. Gimmie a minute.

Another several minutes go by.

Goshinkugi {blushing deeply}: I need some help after all.

Evil voice: Would you like to use a fifty fifty?

Goshinkugi: Sure!  
Evil voice: Too damn bad! Answer the freakin' question already!

Goshinkugi {sweating buckets}: Ummm, I'll guess B. Azusa.

Evil voice: Final answer?

Goshinkugi: Final answer.

Evil voice {snarling in frustration}: Well Goshinkugi, you chose B and... you're absolutely right. Azusa was the antagonist in 'The Laughing Target'.

Goshinkugi jumps up and down with joy.

Goshinkugi: Hell yeah! Now, where's my free popcorn?

Evil voice: Oh, you want your free popcorn?

Goshinkugi: Well, yeah.

Evil voice: All right...

A dark shadow jumps down from the ceiling and picks up a screaming Goshinkugi, throwing him in the popcorn machine. The machine quickly fills up with popcorn, drowning out his screams.

Next day at Furinkan:

{Ranma, Akane, Ryoga, Kuno, and Ukyo are sitting around outside at school during lunch.}

Akane: Did you guys here about Goshinkugi?

Ukyo: Yeah, stabbed four times in the back and shoved into the new popcorn machine. That poor guy!

Ryoga: That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard! 

Ranma: Damn straight! I can't believe that anyone would have the audacity to do something that could damage the popcorn machine! The popcorn there is gonna' taste like Goshinkugi for weeks!

Akane smacks Ranma into a nearby tree.

Akane: Honestly, Ranma! You're so insensitive!

{Principle Kuno walks over to them.}

Kuno: Look, its principle Kuno, my twister father.

Principle: Hello, little Kekies! Da' bossman just hear the news of Gozzliekugi ya'.

Akane: Um... sir, his name was Goshinkugi.

Principle: You dare correct the Island King!? Shut up or Me be given you da' buzz cut! DETENTION FOR YOU ALL!

Ranma {muttering and placing his face in his hand}: Not that again! What kind of sicko gets off on cutting off hair!

Principle: Me be hearing that! DOUBLE DETENTION!

Ryoga raises his hand: Excuse me, but I don't go to school. 

Principle: TRIPLE detention!

Ukyo {glares at the two boys}: Thanks a lot, you jackasses! Now we have to stay after school with that pansy palm tree Jamaican wannabe freak!

Principle: Anyways, as me be saying, I feel really bad about losing one of our student's and I want to express myself in a song. It's about losing someone and moving on. It's called 'Cutting hair.'"

The principle suddenly jumps up on a crate and pulls out a microphone, going on with his performance despite shouts of violence if he didn't shut up.

Principle: I like to cut hair on the shady beach, living off the population like a leach. Little school kids refuse my power, don't they know I'm really gentle as a flower? Gentle as a flower, ohhhh yeah!!! I like to cut pig-tails, but it never fails, I'm always beaten by that miserable cretin!!! Beat down by the pig-tailed boyyyyyyyyy!

Ranma {punching the Principle in the head}: Who are you callin; a cretin?! And how does this song convey a message of loss?!

Principle {ignoring Ranma}: I love my shears, they have no peers! When the job gets done, I'm the one having all the fun! All the fun, ohhh yeah!!! I...

Several ton's of hair falls from the sky, crushing the principle to death.

Everyone: Thank you evil mysterious bad guy type!!!

Ryoga {folding his arms over his chest}: Hmmm, maybe there is a sense of justice in this world after all!

_______

Inside the Lunch room:

The Ranma gang minus Kuno and Ryoga decides to celebrate the death of one of the most annoying person in the Ranma universe with a full course, cardboard tasting, school lunch.

Akane: Have you guys seen Kuno?

Ranma {taking a large bite from a sandwich}: Not in the last few minutes. Why?

Akane: Because.... I haven't seen him that's all. I'm just a little nervous with a killer on the loose in the school.

Ukyo: I'm going to grab a soda, any of you want one?

{Hearing no reply, She pulls open the school fridge to grab a drink for herself.} 

Ukyo: Oh my gosh! It's Kuno!

{Kuno is hanging upside down in the fridge, his skin turned blue from the cold. His fingers are formed into the pinkie, thumb and forefinger extended on each hand. Large bruises cover his entire face. He is clearly stone dead.

Akane: Oh my god, they killed Kuno! Those bastards!

Ranma: I haven't seen someone beaten so bad since the Atlanta Falcons made it to the Super Bowl!

{Ryoga walks into the lunch room.}

Ryoga: Oh, there you guys are! I made a wrong turn down that last hall. Did I miss anything important?

Ranma {eye's narrowing in suspicion}: Oh nothing much, just the fact that the killer is in this school somewhere and Kuno is dead and crammed into a fridge.

Ryoga: Kuno's dead? Maybe there actually IS someone who respects the law against noise pollution. You know, I don't think Kuno ever said one thing I really understood.

_______

Scene: Classroom.

Ranma: I can't believe we still have detention even though Principle Kuno is dead! This sucks!

Ryoga {running into the room}: I got lost on that last turn again! I thought I saw the killer run into the girls bathroom.

Akane: Could it be Happosai?

Ranma: Maybe. But he's a lecher, not a killer. 

Ukyo {straps her spatula to her back}: I'll go check it out.

She runs out of the room. Ryoga yells after her, trying to follow.

Ryoga: Wait, Ukyo, it's dangerous!

Akane [beginning to cry}: This is so scary. Someone hold me!

Ranma: I'll do it!!!  
Akane: Sick!!! Get away, you hentai!!

*Loud explosion*

Ranma: What the hell was that?!

Akane: It came from the girls bathroom! Ukyo's in there!

Ranma: Thank you, 'Captain States-the-Obvious!'

________

Scene: Girls bathroom.

The bathroom is completely blown up. Cracked toilets spray water throughout the room and pieces of stalls are everywhere not to mention the pieces of Ukyo as well.

Akane: Oh no!!! They got Ukyo!

Ryoga slams through the wall.

Ryoga: There you guys are! I found a wet paper bag laying on the ground and couldn't find my way out of it.

Ryoga looks around at the carnage in shock.

Ryoga: Well, I haven't seen so many dismembered human body parts since Jeffrey Dahmer's fourth of July B.B.Q!

Ranma: Okkkkkk....

Ryoga: Well, I haven't seen a bathroom so dirty since that Sumo student in junior high participated in that all night taco and bean fest.

Ranma: That's gross. Shut up! Your not helpin' the situation.

Ryoga: I haven't seen a bathroom related death this bad since Elvis croaked on the John!

Ranma: That's enough already! You've made your point!

Ryoga: Seriously though, I always thought one day Takahashi-sama would pair me up with Ukyo. She wasn't that bad... and one heck of a cook to boot.

Akane [secretly glad Ukyo is out of the way]: {One less contestant!} Worry about that later ok, Ryoga? We need to find this killer!

A pounding can be heard in the distance. The two remaining student's and Ryoga stand in rigid combat position, preparing to attack whatever is making the sound. The wall in front of them shatters, reveling Shampoo. She dashes forward wearing the tight mini-mini skirt every guy loves to see her in. Ranma's eye's go for a ride as she bounds toward him.

Shampoo: Nihao, Ranma! Shampoo hear very scary bad killer loose in school. Shampoo come prove loyalty to husband and fight too.

Ranma [scratching his head}: Well, the more help the better I guess... We don't exactly know what we're going up against. Although, I don't there there's anything that can resist the Hiryu Shoten Ha. We should be just fine.

Ryoga: Enough boasting, Ranma. Let's put our situation into plain view: we're unarmed, alone in the school after hours, the powers off so it's nearly pitch black, and we're being stalked by a psychotic villain. 

Ranma [nodding]: We have to do the only sensible thing....

Akane: What's that?

Ranma: Split up.

Shampoo: Well, that seem like only safe thing to do…

Ryoga: We'll meet back at the classroom in ten minutes.

The four dispersed, each going down a separate hallway.

_________

Scene: Cafeteria

Ranma: Yum, yum yum, well I don't see any killers in the ice cream machine. Maybe I should try the sandwich area! 

Ranma walks around the room with a huge armful of food he raided from the fridge. Suddenly four shapes with ghost masks on detach themselves from the darkened wall bordering the bread line and surround Ranma. Occupied with what food to eat, Ranma moves at all angles to see everything that is behind the glass dome that holds the sandwiches. Luckily, each time one of the would be attackers throws a punch, Ranma switches his position to get a different view of the food, causing him to dodge every punch.

Suddenly, several yards away he sees something under another dome that catches his attention.

Ranma: Alright! The last cookie! And it's all mine!

He leaps towards it, unknowingly dodging a fierce kick from the lead attacker. He is just about to take a bite from his prize when one of the agitated fools swat it from his hands.

Ranma: NO!! Hey, why the hell did you do that!?

He turns and notices the four black clad ghosts for the first time. He grits his teeth in anger, NO ONE messes with his food and gets away with it! It had been Chocolate chip too! They would pay!

Villain one: Master says we must kill you.

Ranma [folding his arms}: And you couldn't have waited till AFTER I was done eating!?! Moko Takabisha!

Nestling down in a chair beside four smoking, non moving, would-be attackers, Ranma continues to eat.

__________

Scene: Third hallway, Furinkan High school's far west wing.

Akane could feel her heart thumping loudly in her chest as she hugged the wall, inching her way forward. She had good reason to be afraid. A mere minute before something had been moving out among the lockers at the end of the hallway. Slowly, she made her way down to where the killer was, and checked around. Strangely the target was gone, but one of the lockers wasn't quite shut. Curiosity overcoming dread, Akane opened the locker. A dead Shampoo fell from it, falling to the floor, a rubbery object falling out from where it had been stabbed into the side of her head. The batteries came out and fell to her feet.

Akane: AHHHHHHH!!!! Well... at least she... Say, that gives me an idea.

She takes off down to the girls bathroom with some printed lemon fanfic's in hand.

______________

Scene: Back at the classroom.

Ranma is sitting at his desk with a toothpick in his mouth, rubbing a huge bulging stomach when Akane rushes in, screaming. Her face his flushed not from running but from... well you know.

Akane: The killer got Shampoo!

Ranma jumps up, his face going white.

Ranma: Are you sure, Akane?!?

Akane nodds.

Ranma: Have you seen Ryoga?

Akane shakes her head.

Ranma slams his fist into the wall.

Ranma: I knew it! Ryoga is the culprit! He has guilt written all over him.

Akane: I dunno, Ranma... Ryoga was never like that. But he is missing... what if he's in trouble?!? I mean, he could be hanging lifeless from the bleachers right now with blood and vomit trailing from his mouth in a macabre fashion!

Ranma: I hope not. Its best not to think 'bout things like that.

Akane: His body could be stashed behind a dumpster and partially digested by sewer rats!

Ranma [growing agitated]: That's a nasty thought.

Akane: He could be bleeding to death from leech bites and locked in a closet while the killer heads towards this room to finish us off!

Ranma: Shut up, Akane! Geez, why do you have to talk like that!

Akane: Sorry...

Ranma: Well, come on, lets go look for Ryoga.

______

Ranma and Akane enter the gym very quietly after searching every nook and cranny in the main school building. Squinting, they see a still form at the far end of the room. Ranma dashes over to the wall and switches on the light. When the lights come on, Ryoga is standing there with a dumbstruck look on his face. His hand is the color of bright red.

Ranma: I knew it! Ryoga you twisted porker, why did you kill Ukyo, Shampoo, Kuno and...well ok, I'll give you credit for killin' the principle... NEVER MIND THAT! Talk damn it!

Ryoga [bares his fangs in anger]: What are you talking about!?! I didn't kill anybody! I was plowing through a wall after I got... side-tracked and I put my hands in a freshly painted school sign! I have no idea what's going on.

Ranma: A likely story! You've really done it this time buddy!

Ryoga: Akane, you believe me right? I swear I didn't do it! What reason's would I have to kill them?

Akane: Oh, Ryoga, I want to believe you...

Ryoga: I'm serious! I'm innocent.

A deep voice echo's throughout the room.

Voice: Ryoga was only the unknowing bait in all this. I lured you three here so you could face your deaths. Minions, attack!

More mask covered ghouls attack, forcing the three to dodge around the room in a frienzy.

Ryoga: See, I told you I was innocent. Boy, do you feel guilty for judging me or what!?

Ranma: I assure you, that is the LAST thing on my mind at the moment!

One of the attackers punches comes too close to Akane's face and she falls to her knee, scraping it on the floor.

Ryoga: AKANE!

He plows through the attacker and attends to her.

Ryoga: Are you ok, Akane?!?

Akane: Oh, it's nothing! I just skinned my knee.

A single drop of blood falls to the floor. Ryoga howls in rage.

Ranma: Take a laxative man, she's just got a small scrape!

Ryoga spins around to face the attackers, his body glowing red. A moment later there are no more attackers... but there is a nice, large, smoking hole in the opposite end of the room that provides fresh ventilation.

Ranma: Holy shit! I wonder what you would have done if they had pricked her finger!

A shape falls gracefully from the ceiling, several feet from them. It is an insane female, laughing manically.

Ranma/Akane/Ryoga: KODACHI!?!?

Kodachi: That's right. Surprised?

Ranma [scratching his head]: Actually, if I was the sick, twisted, lowlife, fanfic writer typing this, I would have made you the killer too. Your laugh alone is a sound pollution epedemic!

Kodachi is dressed in her usual leotard. The difference is that she is also wearing a Nazi overcoat and hat with the familiar grey bird symbol.

Ryoga: What the hell is up with that getup?!

Kodachi: I've recently founded the 'Psychotic Girl Scout Neo Nazi Obnoxious Villains association of Japan'. It's great therapy. I can even tell good jokes now. Likes this one: Why didn't the Fireman go over the hill?

Akane: Why?

Kodachi: Because he was dead.

The next moment, Ranma and the others use their strength to pull their heads free from the wooden floor. 

Ranma: A word of advice, don't give up your day job! Oh yeah, why did you kill your family and the rest of the gang anyways?

Kodachi: Father always loved Tatiwake' better than me. I was never the boy he wanted, no matter how hard I tried to be manly. I was never invited to play ball in the park, or go to nudie bars, or even smoke weed. So father and my brother had to die. Ukyo had succeed where I had failed at being a tomboy so she had to die. Goshinkugi had to die because he turned down my 'kind' offer to go out on a date.

Ranma: Ouch, rejected by the king of nerds. No wonder she went over the edge.

Kodachi: And Shampoo had to die simply because after seven series of Ranma, two movies, and an OAV series, I just couldn't take her squeaky, high pitched voice anymore. Now you must all die too!

Ryoga: Why?

Kodachi: Think about it! What kind of ending would it be like if I just explained my diobolical, unethical motives and then said 'well gee guys, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.' DUH!

Ryoga: You know, she does have a point.

Ranma: Regardless, you won't take us without a fight.

Kodachi: Oh, I planned on that! 

She lashes out at them with her ribbon. Ryoga and Akane dodge out of the way and the ribbon strikes the wall, shattering it.

Ryoga: Damn it, Kodachi's on an S and M trip!

Kodachi [smirking]: Just call me bitch!

Akane: What is it your really after? Why are you so mad?

Kodachi: Part of the reason is because I wanted to be a man. The other is... my new voice! I always thought Viz. wouldn't change me like they did with Ranma's female and male voices but they betrayed me! Listen to me! I don't even sound half as evil as I did before!

Akane: Riiiigggghhhhhttttt. That's still no excuse for killing our fellow students. And besides, you still sound annoyingly evil to me.

Kodachi: Compliments will get you nowhere!

Kodachi attacks again. Ryoga tricks her into wrapping her ribbon around his umbrella, then he rips the weapon from her grasp. Kodachi produces a dozen clubs and launches them in different directions with skilled aim.

Ryoga: Yeow! This is more difficult then trying to keep Oprah and Rosey away from the all you can eat buffet!

Ranma: I can't find it in my heart to strike her, no matter how twisted and sick she is.

Akane: There has to be a way to beat her! 

Ryoga suddenly steps forward and puts on a pair of thin glasses.

Ryoga: I have no choice, I must use the most secret attack. Hibiki talent Martial Arts final attack: Role of the Shrink, Dr. Kavorkian revised!

Kodachi: The roll of the what?!?

Ryoga: Kodachi, why are you suppressing your inner child in such a violent manner? The essence of your existence must be allowed to flourish in a peaceful manner. Violence really isn't the answer. Embrace the inner energies of your soul and find salvation.

Kodachi {confused}: I... I don't know... I...

Ryoga: In with the good, out with the bad, my dear. We are all your friends here. Going to jail is good, treatment is good, straight jackets are gooooood. Someday, when the straight jacket is off, you'll be gazing fondly off in the distance and at that moment you'll be able to commit suicide by jumping in front of a truck, after happily realizing life no longer holds any meaning to you. Million's will rejoice in your passing.

Kodachi {bursting into tears}: Your right, you conveyed my feelings exactly! That's exactly what I want to do! Thank you for showing me the path, Ryoga. I'm going to go happily beat up a cop and get myself thrown in the cold, dank, rat infested cell of my dreams!

The group waves to her as she exits. 

Ranma {dumbfounded}: Where the hell did you learn to do that?

Ryoga: Do what? I bullshitted my whole way through all that. Well not all of it, I did listen to Dr. Laura once or twice. Its easy to manipulate those who get confused after you speak three fast paced words.

Akane: Look, she dropped a bucket of popcorn.

Akane takes a big mouthful of it.

Akane: Mmmm, tastes meaty!

Ranma: Well, that's that. The whole Kuno clan is finally out of my hair as well as Shampoo, and Goshinkugui, which Akane is now happily eating pieces of. No way I'm kissing her without a good swig of listerine first!

Ryoga: Hey guys, Scream three just came out. Wanna catch it? It'll be my treat.

Ranma: Sure, but I won't eat any of THAT popcorn!

Akane: Good, more for me!

The End.

Hey, the way I look at it, at everything from Braveheart to Monty Python's quest for the Holy Grail has been twisted to accommodate Ranma characters and situations. Why not turn a horror movie into a humerous one? It's my first attempt at a humorous Fanfic, and my first fanfic outside of my Ranma 1/2: _Nightmare_ Saga. I hope y'all enjoyed reading this as much as I had writing it. Without the sick and twisted idea's of the Georgia Ranma 1/2 crew, this work of trash could never have been completed... Thanks guys.

To all of you who said it shouldn't have been done... your right! Nothing is sacred!! *Evil laugh*

JohnnyReb.


End file.
